What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
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