What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
