omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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