The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
