friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
