So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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