I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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