just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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