it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
