Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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