I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
