There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
