Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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