My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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