He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
