take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
