I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
