just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
