is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
