Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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