I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
