Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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