How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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