things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
