I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize