i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
