I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
