So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
how can u be prego again
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
