I think I died a long time ago.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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