I think I just saw someone hide a body.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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