Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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