take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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