i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
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