If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize