The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
