she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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