oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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