there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
