The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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