Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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