so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
