You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
