Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
