The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
