I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
