someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
