Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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