I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
