Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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