So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
