My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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