If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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