I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
its not stalking. its research.
i think i have two assholes
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
