i used baking grease as lip gloss
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
