Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
