I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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