I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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