I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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