and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Hippo gnu deer
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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