I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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