can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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