woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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