Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
