I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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