I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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