Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
