There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
