dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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