it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i think my mom watched the whole time
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
