I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize