someone owes me an orgasm
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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